The Apology!

PART 1- Do we ever forget?

How easy is it for a person to apologise for their mistakes?
Also, are apologies even legit?
We accept it sometimes and the other times we don’t even want to hear it out.
We get to hear it sometimes but we don’t want to accept it.
Sometimes, we don’t want to say that “It’s okay”.
But in the end we still forgive people, for our own mental peace; as those people matter way more than our hurt.
No, we still don’t want their “sorry”.
Honestly, if ever I did anything wrong to anyone I would never be able to forgive myself and neither would I forget it.

What if I am the person who I’ve done something wrong to?

PART 2- Making myself stronger?

I read a Book three months back, named The Apology by Eve Ensler.
How did I come across this novel?
I follow a journalist on Instagram. She posted a story of her husband’s bookshelf. I am too fond of bookshelves. Anyway, somehow this novel caught my eye. I read about its author along with an excerpt from the book. She’s famous for her play,“The Vagina Monologues“.
I came to know that this novel is based on her real life incidents. It’s about Physical abuse, since she was 5; which in turn leads to mental abuse. It’s an apology written to her, from her father’s perspective; the apology which she never received from him while he was still alive.

I would surely recommend people to read it!

I am not the person who could read about such matters and not cry. Crying comes a bit easy to me. Pretty much sensitive for that.

I was at a friends place when I read it. It took me few hours to finish reading it.
I turned around and I started crying. He couldn’t understand how did I end up crying.
He said that why do you read such topics which you cannot digest. But then, he said it’s good that you read it.

I didn’t tell him, that prior to this too the novel that I was reading included a character who was sexually abused in her early teenage. I read these two novels in continuation, so tears were results of both, though the former was fiction.

I want to make myself strong enough to read about such sensitive topics one day, even if not today; someday!

Most of the times we have to live without the apologies! Things you feel are wrong, other person might not even think of it as worth saying sorry for.

Anyway, I strongly believe that we should never do or say anything just for the sake of it. If we don’t mean to apologise from the core of our heart, we shouldn’t do it. Period.

It was decided long back that I would continue reading and watching such stories, till one day when I stop shedding tears over those.

PS: I have Part 3 and 4 ready to be posted; but I decided not today. Might post it when I’m ready for it.

Mediocrity- not good enough?

I don’t think I’ll ever be enough for anyone, ever.
I’m pretty average (not talking about looks here) in everything. As far as I’ve known yet, “Nobody wants average“.

In general, people you’d want in your life, would not want you back. So, we live in this fear, as they make you believe that you aren’t good enough for them.
They never say that to you clearly. But it goes on in the background, when they say that “you deserve better”.

I wonder if I’m really not good enough?
Even though, “No one ever said that to me”.

Can’t we ever talk about the merits of mediocrity, of being blasé boring and average.
I am surely not asking anyone to pursue it, because we all should try to do the best we possibly can.
Despite our Best efforts, at times we end up being there and we rather need to accept that.

Sometimes, I live in this well of self pity. I know that it shouldn’t be that way. But, I would rather accept it than lying to myself.

Why there’s always a rush to be the best though?
To be better than another person?
Why can’t we simply accept ourselves as we are?
Why can’t we just try to be better than what we were yesterday?

Improve without comparing ourselves with anybody.

Life is not a competition where we have to “Win, win, win, win”.

I wouldn’t have had the problem of social anxiety, if I would never think so low of myself and that too for no particular reason.

There is some unsaid pressure from the society which I do not understand.

I am not suggesting here to be mediocre for life; what I am asking here is to accept the average ones like me and not make them feel like there is a strong need for them to improve or change themselves.

They kind of know it already.

The one who Listens.

She’s always been a “Listener” of the group.
Always aware of each of her friends whereabouts.
What’s going on in their life,
What are they happy about and all of their sorrows too; she knows everything.
She thinks they sometimes need a person to just hear out their thoughts, and she does that without any judgment; Always.

She doesn’t even give any advice at times, but listens carefully to what they have to convey.
She knows, it’s not always obligatory to comment on what the other person is trying to express. At times they just want someone to pay close attention to their talks rather than telling them if they’re right or wrong.

She’s good at keeping secrets too. When anyone shares something with her in confidence, she keeps it to herself, and never shares it with another person. Obviously some things she did to a close confidant, but not the ones which were really personal to them. If she had any secrets, she would have never shared those with anyone; honestly.

But, that’s what Friends are for, right?
She’ll be all ears for them, invariably.

In this world full of gossip, a Good Listener deserves a little appreciation.

As John Green rightly quoted in Paper Towns,

“I would do nothing for a lifetime but listen”

Friday- Fear of the approaching weekend!

I am never happy on a Friday.

Most people who are working professionals, that’s the only day they are awaiting, right?
I mean, why shouldn’t they?

More of the reason I don’t like it is because people around me were just making their weekend plans. I don’t make plans often.
I don’t want to be included in theirs either.
But there’s this grim feeling for the approaching weekend.

Many a times on Monday’s, my teammate would ask me.. So, what did you do this weekend? Me trying to avoid that question entirely, with a slight smile I would always say that “I read a novel, watched a movie and slept (A lot)” . Honestly, those were and are the only things that I would be doing on a weekend or moreover be washing my clothes.
Eventually he stopped asking me. Thank God for that, but, is it not because I am boring and not full of life or whatever that’s called?

Not that it matters to me much, as I intend to keep my weekends simple and also I am not someone who enjoys partying all the time. But I don’t like to be poked regarding that either.
Peer pressure of going out is what I don’t want.
If I choose to do something apart from my regulars, that has to be my own choice.

It’s not that I didn’t like going out with my friends or just wanted to be indoors all the time, but I surely was maintaining “social distance” way before this pandemic. That’s surely helping me now.

Anyway, why was it so necessary to have “weekend plans” all the time back then?

Walking away!

Learn, to walk away from people and places whom you no longer seek.

Learn, to walk away when a slight self respect is left within you.

Learn, to walk away before they leave you for someone they decide is better.

Learn, to walk away before you start thinking that you’ll never be enough.

Learn, to walk away, because, someday you will be enough.

JUST LEARN. Stop blaming yourself and learn, One day at a time.

If I Delay, I’m Delaying.

We live in a fast-paced world and everything seems to be moving at an immense speed. We should not be so used to the word (Delay) and if we are then we surely need to change that habit.

Needless to say, delaying is what I do. In other words, I am a huge procrastinator.
Not bragging about it. WHY? Is what I am asking myself.

Why can’t you give a call back to a friend who was trying to reach you for two days straight? It could be urgent and you might regret it later.

Why can’t you finish your work on time, and not push the deadlines knowingly? My mind screams and says don’t you do that again.
Because, you are aware of the consequences down the line.

Why can’t you start learning that course which you purchased for yourself months back?

Why can’t you finish reading that book which you bought at the airport so enthusiastically?

Since when Smiling towards people has become a problem for you? Smile should be something that comes natural to you. No more delaying that!

I am not whining about things here but I am making myself understand that this is not the way I want my life to be.
That I need to prioritise things in my life and not sit and loathe about it.
My plan is to work on myself even though I fall over and over again.

And yes, there’s this one friend who asked me what’s my “purpose in life“? I couldn’t give him an answer; not because I don’t have any. But for some reason I was not sure what to tell him.
I think it’s high time that I stop being indecisive about things and learn to say what’s in my heart.

PS: Procrastinating skills can’t be used in delaying Periods (Remembering the pain). But thankfully that’s not an option, and I would not want any such thing happening to me anytime soon! 🙂

The Act of Disappearance

I sometimes think of different ways to vanish from this life.
No, I don’t mean I wanna die.
I wonder if it’s possible to go to a place where nobody knows of your mere existence and start afresh.
But we don’t get that chance, do we?

Talking of disappearance, I was in school when my Grandfather left our home one day. He was just gone.
I remember everyone was trying to search him, but he was nowhere to be found.
He was suffering from a problem of memory loss. He used to forget things too often.
So, this made everyone believe that he might have forgotten his way back home.
It’s been so many years now, and everyone around me believes that he is no more.
I don’t have much memories with him, but I wish he didn’t leave that way.

Even now when I see a lean old man, walking down the road wearing a white dhoti and kurta, I take at least two good looks at that person to be sure that he’s not my Grandfather. After so many years, I still do.

I am sure of one thing though, if someone disappears in that way from your life and if that person is in someway related to you; even though you wouldn’t have had a great relationship with them, “You are bound to miss them.”

Silence

It’s endearing, easy to share with people you love.
There are times when I am so quiet that I think, maybe, I don’t even remember how to speak anymore.
But how could that be? Eh?!
It’s not that I don’t have anything to say; but I’m never a person with a strong voice in a room, and that’s how it has been all my life. But, I’ve come a long way (There are people around me who think that I don’t work on it. They don’t know that I’ve been working on it from past 20 years).
No, I do not need a therapist (I have MY bunch of “FRIENDS” for that.)
Someone dear to me once told me that why do I not speak much, even though I have such rolling sea of thoughts.
How do I tell him, once I start resenting someone it’s too difficult to go back and talk all over again.
..also I cannot speak all the time; isn’t that a quality of an introvert?

Anyway, Can’t we just sip our cup of Tea and listen to “The Sound of Silence” maybe? 🙂

Why write a Blog?

I started making resolutions from past year; yeah I do mean “The New Year Resolutions”.

So, one of my Resolution-2020 includes- doing something that I’ve never done.

There really are so many things that I’ve never done ofcourse; but for now I’m choosing to write my heart out (As I’m unable to spill it through my mouth most of the times).

I am habitual to writing down my thoughts in my notes, reading it to myself for sometime and then I end up deleting it. Everytime.

As I don’t think it’s good enough.

But, this one time I’m choosing not to decide it by myself.

I am gonna try to make this a “Window to my Soul”.

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